How to ...... really listen!

Listening is skill.  You can practice listening to become a better listener. It is really quite simple. I have spent many years teaching actors and helping professionals the steps to effective listening. It has been commonly argued that babies start developing listening skills while still in the womb.  So I wonder - how do we become 'bad' listeners? 

(I have many many theories about this and would love to argue them for hours!  However the title of this post is How to and so I will meet that commitment.)

I think the following exercise - split into 3 parts - provides a great starting point to re-gig your listening skills. 

Firstly you need to find

1. A place with no distractions 
2. A timer
3. A person you can do these exercises with - a partner, a lover, a friend who you are emotionally intimate with or a colleague who you trust

Great.  Now let's start with a warmup - part one - what can you hear?

• Sit comfortably in a chair
• Set the timer for 5 minutes
• Listen to the sounds in the room
• Listen to the sounds just outside the room
• List them eg. I can hear my breathing, the hum of the fridge
• Keep a tally of what you hear
• If your mind wanders just gently move yourself back to the activity of what can you hear
• Stop when the timer goes off

So you've completed your warmup. Yay!

Next is part two - really looking

• Both you and your partner sit comfortably in chairs that face each other - with enough space so your knees are not touching your partners
• Set the timer for 5 minutes
• Now look at your partner in detail - as if you had to describe them to one of those police sketch artists or a blind person
• Your partner will be looking at you in detail as well
• Do not talk
• Look at your partner from the tip of the head to the tops of their toes
• Look at all of them. Do not skip parts of them to be polite. Do not miss looking into their eyes, their lips, their sexy bits, their ugly bits. Examine it all
• Breathe
• If you feel the impulse to smile or laugh - that's ok.  Just don't talk
• If you start to think or feel self conscious just put your attention back on your partner and onto the doing of really looking
• When the timer goes off do not talk to your partner

Take some time to reflect on what you felt and what you thought while doing this exercise

Finally part three - really listen

• Again both you and your partner sit comfortably in chairs that face each other - with enough space so your knees are not touching your partners
• Ask your partner to think of something they LOVE to talk about
• When they are ready set the timer for 5 minutes and let them start talking
• Now look at your partner, put all your attention onto them and listen to your partner without speaking to them
• Do not say a word!
• Notice when your mind starts to wonder, when you want to interrupt, ask a question, agree, disagree.  Notice it all and do not say one thing
• Put your attention back onto your partner and really listen to them moment by moment
• Breathe
• When the timer goes off thank your partner

Take some time to reflect on what you felt in your body and what went on in your mind. Again really thank you partner for their time and generosity of spirit. You may like to reverse the roles and do part three again so you get a chance to be really listened to.  

Unfortunately I am not there to check in with you so I do encourage you to do some writing to debrief - why not leave a comment. This exercise is the start of something. We have planted a seed.  Again this post is a How to not a What for - so look out for my follow up post coming soon. 

Hearing is a form of touch. I could hear less through the ears but more through the body - Evelyn Glennie